How to Overcome a Toxic Basketball Coach

An anonymous caring Dad writes to our team…

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DEAR COACH: My #1 biggest struggle is helping my son keep his passion and positivity on a toxic team led by a toxic coach.

The new Men’s Varsity Coach and an assistant coach both have freshmen and have shown unabashed favoritism in starting them all summer and now putting them on Varsity where they will start varsity all year. My son is a Sophomore and is better. There are a dozen Seniors and Juniors who are better than my son who have quit or will be riding the bench while these dads abuse their privilege.

The coaches give very little to no positive feedback in practice, even to their own kids. I told him that he and the other boys can be the source of positivity. They can lift each other up. Find someone on every drill, every play that did something right and tell them they did well. The coaches have negativity down, let them have it. Outside of these things, what else can I do, as a parent who is not the Coach, to help my kid survive and thrive in what is fast becoming a hostile and toxic environment? My son loves basketball and will not quit, and I would not want him to.

DEAR CARING DAD: First off, I would like to celebrate your approach. Modeling is always the best form of teaching. Your approach is likely one of mental toughness based off the things you’re sharing with your son. Please know and be encouraged that your example, when working through adversity at your job or how positive you are with negative people in everyday interactions around town, is actually going to be a source of inspiration, encouragement and power for your son, especially as the season starts to feel long.

I would continue to say the same things to your son because this season may be one of the most valuable for his life when it comes to developing grit, mental toughness and perseverance. He likely won’t feel that now but a continuous reminder of “this is great training for life, you’ll likely work someplace where, at times, things will be clearly unfair or favoritism is displayed but you’ll be mentally strong enough to power through that adversity when others won’t.

The other thing I would consider is “Value Congruence” – As humans, we can only be and thrive in environments over the long term that are in line with our values and beliefs. We can be in environments for shorter periods that are incongruent with our values but it is challenging to do that over the long term. An example would be a person working a job where the company is acting outside of their morals/values – maybe that person can work there for a bit but eventually it’s going to eat away at their soul.

Your son’s basketball soul is what you’re concerned about and we celebrate the love and care you have for him. It is something that is hard to protect for young people. Maybe this season is a scenario where this year can be a great test and growth period for his mental toughness, but if the school continues with this coaching staff, it may not be a “values congruence” for your son and family.

The long term solution might be finding a different school or finding a different team outside of school sports where your son’s soul can be filled by the people and culture of the team. But framing this experience as temporary and one that the family will re-evaluate after the year might give him something to push through when the season feels long and the treatment is particularly unfair.

In closing, we are in some ways sorry that this is happening to your son, but in other ways grateful, as often the most adverse situations are the ones that grow us the most. My mentor used to say, “Every negative circumstance is just an opportunity for you to show off your championship approach and how you are just so much different than anyone else.” It sounds like your son will have plenty of moments like that and we are here for him when he needs an outside ear to listen.

P.S. Speaking of having a championship approach and overcoming adversity on and off the court…

If you’d like your child to develop the mindset of a champion, while increasing their basketball IQ and learning leadership lessons for life, consider sending them to a PGC Basketball Camp this summer.